by | May 16, 2019

It was 8am and the alarm clock went off. My stomach felt like there was a knot tied in it. My heart was racing, and there was a pain in my chest.

I knew it was anxiety, but it didn’t stop the panic in me. Your head tells you what it is, but your body doesn’t allow a positive change. The negative keeps coming as I begin to sweat.

I grab my phone to try and distract me from what is happening with my body as my breath gets shorter and shorter.

It doesn’t work, so I try to get myself back to sleep but as I close my eyes the irrational thoughts come through and take over my mind. Sleep is going to be impossible.

Why was I like this, suddenly when I woke up?

In what felt like an hour, was only around 5-10 minutes and it clicked. I was starting a new job in 4 hours and I was having a mini panic attack about it. The new job was AFL coaching in schools, and I had a Grade 4 class at an international school.

How scary could that be? Letting kids just run around to kick and handball.

Well, the mind can play its only little kick and handball in your head. What if I fail? What if the kids laugh at you? What if I stuff up a kick in a demonstration? What if, what if, what if?

It wouldn’t stop in my head.

“Just call in sick”- I was telling myself.

I was looking forward to the job, and super excited and planned the whole session out, yet the morning panic attack still happened because of the fear of something new.

Anxiety had completely taken over my body.

To be honest, the next 3 hours are a complete blur and I’m sorry, but I don’t know what I did to get myself to the job, but I got there. Arriving, the nerves and anxiety were still there but I found a way to ignore the voices telling me to ‘drive back home’.

I had little idea what I was walking in to and was just expecting the worst.

The session itself was a bit of a nightmare on reflection, but that just meant I had plenty to learn and work on which is great.  Half way through, I felt like I was in over my head and I wanted to just walk off.

The drive home, thoughts ran through my head about quitting the job because of the way the day went. “How could I put myself through that again?”

I decided to commit to it for at least a week before I decided and the next week was fantastic. I loved it, although there were some tougher moments.

Anxiety can be so disabling and plenty of times in my life I have pulled out of events, pulled out on work or pulled out of anything really because of anxiety but I have learnt from every single experience along the way. Which now enables me to work my way through the thoughts in my head and the experiences my body has.

You can do this too. Be kind to yourself in those moments and use the skills and techniques you learn along the way to help yourself get through those moments.

Most of all, be super proud of working your way through it all 😊

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