What do I do when those intrusive thoughts start to get a bit more serious?
Well, the plan is always to be proactive and not have them but reality has it for me, for now that my mind still enters dark places.
Thoughts of suicide, thoughts of hurting myself and many other harmful thoughts.
It’s daunting, it can be frustrating and it at times completely overwhelms me despite the years of hard work and years of practice.
Admittedly I shut down a bit and go into my shell. This is because when my mind is in a dark place I become really reactive and that’s when other people get hurt.
At the same time, I try my best to communicate my needs during these times.
My needs in these moments are quite often space and quiet, but often having someone near by for safety.
At times I work through the thoughts, create a plan and take the lessons that need to come out of it. At other times, I’ll sit on my phone or watch TV and enter distraction world knowing that the thoughts at some stage will pass. They’ve passed before, so I know they will pass again.
Sometimes I don’t know how to communicate that my thoughts have come too much. At best, an email, a text is better than a call/zoom because I just can’t get the words out of my mouth and the thought of speaking causes me to freeze up.
The benefit of years of practice is despite the shitty feelings and shitty thoughts is that I do know I’ll be okay and there will always be more to learn. I’m not a finished product, but a guy stepping in to the reality of my mind.
Here is a picture after 3 hours sleep of me due to intrusive thoughts that the world would be better off without me, doing my absolute best at trying to take in the moments from the biggest teacher I’ve ever had. (Kids find a way to make you realise what needs work still)
Here’s to the journey. The highs and the lows. You can’t have one without the other!
Even though I’ve had these thoughts, I still feel the love and I’m forever grateful for feeling emotions so deeply. While it’s my biggest weakness, I believe it to be my biggest strength 💙